It Is Jesus You Seek

Two months ago, for my last Spring Break trip ever (a melancholic comment as I approach my graduation from college at last), I traveled to El Paso, Texas for a mission trip. Instead of doing the "normal" mission trip activities of building houses, reconstructing roofs, or aiding those in third world countries, I spent my time with a Catholic speaker/missionary, a worship band, and a motley crew of youth ministers touring the city of El Paso and putting on a parish mission for youth in the Diocese. I sampled the culninary genius found at Chico's Tacos (google that one...I dare you); I met a beautiful family the band had known through past ministry; I participated in some of the most intense worship of my life; I had some of the most signficant and influential conversations about ministry and discipleship; and I heard gripping and heart-wretching stories from the youth ministers about the horror of the violence in Juarez, Mexico.

As I boarded the plane to return to Columbus, I felt a sense of longing to stay. I desired to live this life. I saw the life of this Catholic speaker and desired to be able to travel this country and enter into people's lives and speak to them about Jesus. I desired to see and hear firsthand the injustices faced by people in our world. I wanted to enter into prayer as deeply as I had during this time. And I came back to Columbus restless, desiring a life much different than my own. And this restlessness has been intermittently present since my return.

But this morning, God provided me with a startling revelation. I was praying with a quote from Pope John Paul II in which he says this: "It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise...It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives and the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity".

It wasn't a different life I wanted. It wasn't the life of a Catholic speaker that I wanted. It wasn't the ability to participate in praise and worship. It wasn't even about the relationships I built or the conversations I had. It was Jesus I wanted. It was Jesus who was drawing me deeper and deeper into relationship with him. It was Jesus that left me with a desire to stay. It was Jesus who was placing within me the desire to do something more, to serve more diligently, and to follow him more radically. What I thought was the Lord telling me to do something DIFFERENT with my life was really him telling me that he wanted to be PRESENT more in my life. He desired me and I desired him...but didn't recognize it.

The reality of my life, and maybe for yours, is that I still don't know him. I still do not fully grasp a relationship with Jesus or even fully recognize the ways he is speaking to me and loving me and desiring me. I don't fully recognize the events of my life that are pointing so directly and vibrantly to him. And so often, I really don't believe that he is the thing that will make me happiest, most peaceful, or most content.

But this experience and this revelation from God have given me a desire to do that: to seek Jesus. He literally is the only thing that suffices. He most certainly is the source of my fulfillment, the direction that I long for, the love that I seek and desire most. He is what I want. Beyond careers, beyond success, beyond feeling--he is the one my heart longs for.

And so today, I pray for each of us, in whatever stage of faith we are in, to draw closer to Christ. James 4:8 says "Draw near to God and he will draw near to you". Let us come to Jesus in prayer and in Sacrament and ask him to help us to do just that--to draw closer to him and to embrace the reality that it truly is him we seek.