Do You Trust Me?

Now, as many of you know, I am more than slightly type A. I am routined. I have quirky things that I do in different situations. And flying is no exception. Generally when flying, because I have so wonderfully inherited motion sickness from my mother, my flight experience includes me with mouth wide open in a Dramamine-induced coma. But I always wake up to the sound of the pilot announcing that it is time for the flight attendants to prepare for arrival. And it is then, when the plane is about five minutes away from landing, that I go into full-on back-seat pilot mode. I assess the distance from the airport and try to judge whether or not the pilot has accurately determined how quickly we need to be descending. I listen to every little sound of the plane and conjure up in my mind images of me falling to my doom. And the last critical piece to my craziness is that when the runway is in sight, I MUST have my eyes fixated on it to see for myself that we aren't missing the landing and crashing to our death (hello, crazy). Based on this assessment, I then internally judge the pilot on the smoothness of the landing and the quickness of stopping. Let me just go ahead and say what you already all probably assumed: I have ZERO training in being a pilot. I've never studied aeronautical engineering. I am not the person to be making an judgment in this field.

This need for control is so prevalent in most areas of my life. I struggle to delegate tasks at work for fear that they won't be completed in the way that I would do it. I would rather host a party at my house than attend one because the "Martha" in me loves controlling the situation while all the "Marys" sit around and chat. But when it comes to my relationship with Jesus, this gripping of control takes a whole new level.

If I had my way most of the time, I would sit God down and tell him all the ways he is messing up in my life. "God, this struggle is lasting too long. This relationship is way too complicated. These mysteries of faith are way too mysterious. This prayer isn't being answered quickly enough. Your presence isn't palpable and that's not okay. God. C'mon. What are you doing?" And though this sounds so silly and juvenile, all my more intricately put together prayers could essentially be boiled down into this childishness.

This need for control comes from a heart that forgets the beautiful truth of Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." This prideful desire for authority comes from a soul that hasn't let the words of St. Jane Frances de Chantal sink in, "How happy the soul that freely lets herself be molded to the liking of this divine Savior." But as I experience the anxiety of holding on to control and as I see the brokenness that exists because of my rejection of God's plan in the past, I see why he asks me to abandon. I see why he says time and time again "Be not afraid" as he asks his disciples AND ME to trust. And I stand with St. Teresa of Avila and confess, "O Lord! All our trouble comes to us from not having our eyes fixed on you", from not letting ourselves trust in you.

I have flown to Houston, Seattle, Vancouver, Los Angeles, London, and countless other cities. Not once has a pilot asked me for advice on how to fly and land the plane. And I sit here today as someone who has never died in a plane crash. Though sometimes I may have wished for better handling of turbulence, for a smoother landing or a quicker take-off, my life has been preserved by pilots who know what they are doing. Who know better. Who can see things I can't.

God has never asked me for advice. He has never asked me for suggestions on the best way to accomplish his will. He has never even asked for my affirmation of the perfection of his plans. But he has asked for me AND for you to trust. To trust the One who knows what he is doing. Who knows better. Who can see things we can't. TO TRUST HIM AND CONTINUALLY LAY OUR LIVES AT HIS FEET. May we stand today with the Psalmist and exclaim with certainty that "Those whose steps are guided by the Lord, whose way God approves, may stumble but they will never fall for the Lord holds their hand" (Psalm 37:23-24).