Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I never thought that one little plus sign would change my life.

But on December 28, when I saw a blue plus sign forming on the pregnancy test I had just taken, I knew that my life would never be the same. I knew that my life was somehow more whole than it had ever been. After a few minutes of freaking out and staring into the mirror thinking, “am I ready for this?”, I sat down on a bed with my husband, Paul, tears welling up in my eyes, completely in awe of the gift that we had received in this child.
I’m eight weeks pregnant and I cannot believe how much the Lord has changed me and drawn me closer to himself through this little life inside of me. Though certainly I’ve been learning about sacrificial love and offering up suffering, the most significant of all lessons has been about our worth and dignity as humans.

What has pregnancy looked like for me? I’ve been so exhausted that naps are no longer a random luxury, but a daily necessity. Nausea has been the constant in my life, as shown by the saltine cracker crumbs on every piece of our furniture. The dirty dishes sitting in my normally immaculately clean sink speak of the toll sickness has taken on me. Suddenly my favorite foods, and sometimes all food in general, have become repugnant to me. On those days, if I could open the refrigerator without wanting to throw up all over the floor, I would certainly make my husband some dinner. For now, it’s cereal or grilled cheese….again.

In these few weeks, I have experienced deep feelings of inadequacy. As someone who prides myself in my work ethic, my high energy level, my optimism, my ability to do as many things as I can in the shortest amount of time, my healthiness, and my service to my husband, my own self-worth has been questioned. What do the people at work think about me when I leave for a bit to go take a nap? Do people see the fact that my pants fit just a little bit tighter than usual? Does my husband feel neglected? Do people think I’m a wimp? Do they know that I’m really trying to do as much as I used to do? And if I don’t, will they still appreciate me?

As someone who has worked in youth ministry for years, telling young people that they have worth simply because they are sons and daughters of God, created specifically by Him, I have been humbled as this pregnancy has challenged me to actually believe this for myself.

So when I approached the Lord in prayer and kept hearing the words of Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made”, it took me a few days to realize that these words weren’t just for the child living inside of me. Those words were for me….and they are for YOU.

This pregnancy has challenged me to not just profess, but to truly believe, that the worth of my life cannot be measured by the amount of work that I can accomplish in one day, how put together I look, how many people affirm or look up to me, how many Masses I can attend each week, or even how extravagantly I can love my husband. My life is worthwhile and has dignity because I exist, because I am a daughter, because I have been created and am infinitely loved by my Father.

This summer, Pope Francis said, “Even the weakest and most vulnerable, the sick, the old, the unborn and the poor, are masterpieces of God’s creation, made in His own image, destined to live forever, and deserving of the utmost reverence and respect.” Let us extend that quote to say that each of us is a masterpiece. We have worth precisely because of the fact that we are, that we exist, that we are creations of God almighty. We have worth because we are made in his likeness, that we resemble God himself. We have worth because our lives are not just held in esteem for this life, but are cherished and desired by God for all of eternity.

This week, I challenge you to ask the question: where do you find your worth? Is it in your career? How much money you make or what you can provide for your family? How successful, smart, or funny you are? How many accolades you receive from others? Or is it that you ARE—created, known, cherished and immeasurably loved by the Father. This week, may you believe and be filled with joy that you are truly fearfully and wonderfully made.